Dream On

Emery Room E315
9 October 2010
19:29:


"A dream can be the highest point of a life."
~Ben Okri

"The other night dear as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried."
~You Are my Sunshine by Johnny Cash

Last night I dreamt about my saxophone. As with many dreams, my surroundings were hazy but I had the impression that I was in a small room, like a music practice room. I was sitting down with my sax, setting up and inspecting my reed. Both in my dream and in real life I had managed to break it as I am required to FULLY set up my sax every time we practice and march even though I don't play - the reed got dry and probably broke sometime when I was moving.

In my dream,the instrument manager had replaced my reed and now I sucked on it while I pulled my neck strap over my head and hooked the bottom half of my sax to it so that it hung from my neck. I pulled on the neck and then twisted on the mouthpiece. Moving my reed in my mouth to make sure it was wet enough, I pulled out my lyre and music, attaching them and then looking through my choices. Not that I could really play any of it, but I figured I'd start relatively easy. I pulled my reed out of my mouth and attached it to the mouthpiece, adjusting my neck strap so that it was at a comfortable level with my lips.

Well, here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and blew. To my surprise, instead of a squeak, squeal, hissing, or no sound at all, a mellow sound - the sound of a correctly played alto sax - emerged from my instrument. I blinked and tried again, this time trying to play a note. I went for a G, because it seemed simple enough. To my utter shock, the same thing happened - I played a note without much difficulty.

I moved my fingers and tried for an A. The same thing. I moved my fingers to a low D. Not surprising I had more difficulty, but after only a low, raspy croak I got a D. I tried to play a scale from low C to high C and only got about four rasps or squeaks.

Yes, it was still difficult for me to play, but...I was playing. I remember being so happy in my dream.

And then I woke up and realized....it was just a dream. My reed was still broken and I still couldn't play.

Today was the Lehigh vs. Fordham game at Lehigh. Most of the band was gone for Pacing Break so there were about twenty of the almost-97 people in band there. I wasn't going to go originally, seeing as I can't play, but the guy in charge convinced me to come. All I did was get in free, get free food, and sit there. That's about it. I had to mime playing my sax for a while, but that's about all I did.

I don't think I've mentioned it here but I feel absolutely USELESS in band. All I'm doing right now is filling a hole in Rank 10. That's about it. I can't play for pep band or for the show. And it's not that I'm too proud to admit it, but I just don't LIKE to because it makes me feel more useless. I mean, I have music and I occasionally follow along but I can't play. Someone asks me why I'm not playing on the occasion they catch me with my sax down and I tell them I can't play. Then they look at me like 'uh...then why are you playing sax?'

If I think about it rationally, there are two ranks of alto sax. That means, if both are full, there are about sixteen sax players. I think there are two holes (so there's fourteen...about) so I REALLY don't have to worry about playing, but still. I mean, I watch Matt, Dan, Eamonn, and Alex play around me and I can't help but feel bad. I mean, I'm just marching or marking time or something. I hold a sax and pretend to play but I'm not - so I'm not contributing much to rank 10.

Eamonn, Hope, and Matt try to engage me a few times but they always forget I can't play (though I think Eamonn remembers more than Hope and Matt) and I have to tell them that no, I won't come that much closer because I don't want to be in the way - I can't play, you know. Or when Hope says, you don't have to stand that far away. I know you're not really playing, but you can come closer. And then Dan hears and looks at me and I feel SO BAD. :( And sometimes Matt thinks that I'm not playing because I don't have music and then I have to tell him that I'm not playing because I CAN'T, not because I don't have music.

Other than the immense and ridiculous amounts of guilt I feel whenever I set up my sax, I really like the Marching '97.

~E