Doctors

I should probably visit the Counseling and Psychological Services. I've been having some issues lately.

-Yesterday I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown where I somewhat randomly started crying during band practice before the game. Thankfully only the other rank 10 frosh noticed so it wasn't so bad. Basically the reason I freaked out was because I was having a difficult time marching even though the drill was really easy, mostly because I kept losing track of the counts and also because I had to leave early one day, missing the new moves added to the drills. In the last song I had to follow Alex in front of me. :( This is hard for me because all I really can contribute to rank 10 right now is my marching and if I'm not doing good then I'm only a liability to them. In the pre-game I was in my spot but the rank that moves perpendicular to us came too far back so instead of bisecting our rank between me and Matt, they split me and Alex, so that when we turned and did a pinwheel, I had to follow Matt. And then Alex yelled at me to get back in my "actual" spot. (the reason I hadn't done that earlier was because she was too close behind me for me to back up and because I figured I'd move when we completed the pinwheel and there was space to move. :/)
But something tells me I'm going to have another one soon which really isn't good.

-Lately I've been having a hard time concentrating and my mind continues to wander. I'd try really hard to concentrate but I get distracted easily.

-Lately I've been thinking about how my childhood experiences have shaped my actions today. That in itself isn't very...distressing, but seeing people (especially my non-frosh rank-mates) looking at me funny when I do something "weird" because of said experiences is distressing.

-I've been having other issues I don't really want to discuss here or with anyone so...urgh.

I just want to curl up and die. Especially since our second round of 4 o'clocks are coming up.

I'll make an appointment for this week. Oh, and I have to meet with my academic advisor for next semester's classes. I should take a band elective. Maybe then I'll be able to learn sax.

~E

Mard? Mard? Mard?

Lehigh/Bucknell Psyche Run: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS23S_KHvMQ
Lehigh/Bucknell Pregame show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruaudg_P2Mc
Lehigh/Bucknell Halftime show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_G0FgENuEA

Title explanation:
Mard [mahrd] -noun:
1. a traffic cone
2. a traffic cone "procured" by the Lehigh Marching 97
3. the combination of the words "yard" and "marker"
4. a traffic cone "procured" by the Lehigh Marching 97 and used as a yard marker
5. something a frosh or fritch* carries every day at practice as a mark of their status or lack of one

(*Fritch [frich] -noun, plural fritch. Informal.
a specifically female college or high-school freshman, according to the Lehigh Marching 97. General term: frosh, specific: fritch)
Meaning, a frosh isn't always a fritch but a fritch is always a frosh. You only use "fritch" to be specific. We're all called frosh anyway so you rarely hear the word "fritch" when referring to a female frosh. As my rank-mate says, "Rank 10 frosh best friends". She says this because there are two fritch and one frosh - she can't say "Rank 10 fritch best friends" because she'd exclude the one [male] frosh in our rank (unless she's only talking about me and her).


The fritch of the 97 are dressing up together for Halloween.

On the note of the mards, it is kind of pathetic how many kleptomaniacs we have in the 97, and how often we use the word "procure" to describe something we've done. In example, when we play a certain song at the game (the "official" title is 1075) the frosh get together and march around the stadium, looking for someone to conduct for the band for this particular song. Then we march them back and have a whole...er...script to go through with them...and we find two volunteers from the band to strip (the song's actual title is "Stripper").

Student Conductor (StudCon): Hey band!
Band: Hey what?
StudCon: Look what the frosh have procured for us!
Band: Yay!
StudCon: What do we want them to do?
Band: Conduct!
StudCon: What do we want them to conduct?
Band: 1075
StudCon: How do we do that?
Band: Down, across chest, out, up, down, across chest, out, up

Anyway, the band likes to "procure" stuff. I don't even want to know what they procure anymore. :/ But I know that whenever a guy frosh (it's more them than the fritch, I think) sees a mard (or a ball, can't forget those) they start yelling out "Mard!" (or "Ball!") like the seagulls from Finding Nemo. 


~E

Lol. Emo poetry ^^;

I was looking through my files for my GC paper and found...this... I wrote it in Rathbone during Pacing Break when everyone was gone. I got a bit lonely and...this...well, came out.

Verse 1 refers to Pacing Break

Verses 3 and 7 (I think) refers to the band.

The rest are just things I thought up of different situations I regret. :/

I actually like this poem a lot. Depressing, but I'm kind of proud of it...yeah...

Loneliness Is...

Loneliness is being left behind

smiling to hide the pain inside

watching them leave and knowing

you can't follow.

Loneliness is too much time to think

too little to speak

an eternity to agonize

and words left unsaid

Loneliness is feeling useless

feeling you aren't a big enough part

trying to fill in the gaps

but not well enough to sing the part

Loneliness is smiling without joy

happiness with empty eyes

a hollow heart

an empty soul

Loneliness is pulling on a mask

pretending your fine

dancing like you're happy

while inside you cry

Loneliness is emptiness

a void in a heartless chest

a black hole that devours joy

and magnifies sorrow

Loneliness is not feeling good enough

feeling as if you always have to prove your worth

trying to fill shoes too big

pretending you can when you can't

Loneliness is the darkness that devours your soul

shatters your heart

creates a monster out of you

and leaves behind a shell of who you once were.

~E

4 Minutes of Bromance

That was, seriously, what our last show was called. They tend to group together the names of the two songs we play. x) Our songs this week were 4 Minutes and Bad Romance. Our drum major even dressed up like Lady GaGa for this, too. It was really funny because he had a blonde wig, a mirrored mask, and a weird plastic thing in place of his mace. It looked like a giant Q-Tip. :/

Anyway, the main reason I'm bringing this us is because...I PLAYED MY FIRST SHOW!!! :D

These two were the best first songs for me to play (as in show songs) because the saxophone parts are mostly one note. In 4 Minutes it's mostly high E and in Bad Romance there's a lot of C Sharps, which are fairly easy to play. I was also bullied into playing by my mentor. Most of the C Sharps were eighth notes so I didn't play those. However, I know from low C to high C (not counting the high E) so I could play most of the half notes in between, most of which consisted of C Sharp, A, and B. :) I. Am. SOOO happy. Even if I forgot to march a few times and ended up having Matt run into me or some such. ^^;

I'm happy with my performance (save for the part where I forgot to march) overall.

Show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_G0FgENuEA If you're curious, Rank 10 is the long line in the 4 on the left side. To look for me, find the place where the line dips - that is where me and Alex are. We're the shortest. ^^;

~E

Purple For Pride and other Thoughts

So I was on Facebook and I see about three to five invites to wear purple on Wednesday in memory of those who committed suicide due to homophobic bullying. Which got me thinking a bit about homosexuality. It's kind of a random thought, really.

Recently I had a song called "It's Okay to be Gay" by Tomboy stuck in my head. There's a lot of sexual innuendos but to me it's kind of a joking song where a lot of guys are dressed in drag, etc. It's too complicated to even think about. :/ I was watching the video on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j4t185wl-0) and saw a link in the "Related Videos" section called "Gay Education". Curious, I clicked on it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PooEhBxh0NY&feature=related).

It was about how homosexuality is genetic and not a choice. Some of the things I remember from Psychology and Sociology, where a guy with a lot of older brothers may end up being gay because their mother's body saw the male fetus as an "invader" and tried to "feminize" it with female hormones. The more males the woman has the better her body became at "feminizing" the fetus and making it so that her body didn't recognize it as an invader so much.

I was talking to Jenna and asked if she thought it was a choice. She did. If I remember correctly she thought that it was along the lines that we can choose to "be true to ourselves" and "listen" to our feelings or not.

Perhaps I am naive but I like to think that gender doesn't matter if you really care about that person. I can honestly care less. A part of me is a little...unnerved sometimes, but it makes me feel really bad because that's only the part of me that listens to society and is conditioned to follow societal norms. Just because someone is bisexual or homosexual doesn't mean that they are an entirely different species - we're all the same, essentially. We may not be completely the same, but we have similar likes and dislikes, loves and hates, feelings and cultures. We have similar goals and though we may not all look exactly alike, we all have a head, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears, to hands, two feet, two arms, two legs, organs (both internal and external) and a soul. We may not have the same religion but we all believe in one thing or another, each to varying degrees.

I like to think we are all bisexual and our level of attraction to the opposite sex versus the same sex are what "decides" for us who we like and dislike, if that makes any sense. To rephrase, I like to think that we are all bisexual but to varying degrees. Think of a number line. On one end is homosexuality and on the other end is heterosexuality. There are only shades of grey where we all fall in. Some are ostensibly closer to the "homosexual" side while others fall closer to the "heterosexual" side. Some aren't sure and teeter in the middle, like standing on the pivot point of a see-saw.

Homosexual | --------------------------| Bisexual |----------------------------| Heterosexual

Homophobia bothers me. Perhaps I'm a bit hypocritical, but I don't mind so much when there are protests - they have the right to share their ideas and that's fine by me. But when it gets to the point where they're saying that homosexuality is immoral and we're all going to go to hell for it is when it kind of starts bothering me. When people are so close-minded to bully others (in any way shape or form for any reason) is when it really bothers me. It's like saying I'll be beat up if I choose a red scarf over a blue one. It's my own choice to choose a red scarf because it's my favorite color. Maybe the blue one wasn't warm enough and the red one was warmer. I have my own reason for choosing the red scarf over the blue one and I don't think I should be persecuted because of it. The same thing should apply for homosexuality, whether it's a personal choice or it's genetics. Why should it matter? Seriously.

I've seen a lot of posts like this. It bothers me a lot. Maybe they're not all true, but regardless. I, personally, may not have seen many homophobic people. (I say "may" because I don't know and don't pry) I don't like to think that this still happens, but reading the pot on Facebook about the college students who committed suicide because of homophobic bullying...it makes me wonder. It probably goes on more often than we are all aware.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.


~E

Don't Send my Boy to Harvard...

...they dying mother said
Don't send my boy to Syracuse
I'd rather see him dead
But send my boy to Lehigh
'tis better than Cornell
but as for Pennsylvania...
I'D SEE HIM FIRST IN HELL!
~Band song

I went with the band this weekend to Harvard. It's  pretty nice campus but the people there are nasty. :/

Anyway, it was a 5-hour drive. I was stuck in a car with all guys. It was very interesting. When we got lost, the driver, a guy named Bingold told me that guys don't ask for directions so if worst came to worse I'd have to get out and ask. I told him I didn't mind and he looked at me funny.

Anyway, this was my schedule on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday:
3:00p finish Engineering lab and head over to Bingold's house
3:15p leave and start our road trip
5-ish find a McDonalds and stop there to eat dinner
5:30p-ish resume trip
8:30-9:00p arrive at Boston University
2:30a-ish go to sleep
7:45a wake up
8:45a arrive at Boston University band room
9:20a-ish leave for IHOP and Harvard
9:30a-ish get lost on way to IHOP and Harvard
9:45a finally make way to Harvard
9:45-10:00a argue with parking attendant
10:10a find way to IHOP
11:30a return to field to practice
12:00p decide it wasn't worth practicing and entered game
4:00p go to dinner at UNO's
7:00p leave Boston/Cambridge and start driving back
11:00p-ish return to Lehigh
11:15p unpack and shower
12:00a sleep
8:50a wake up
9:00a go back to sleep
9:10a wake up and realize snoozed
9:20a get ready
9:30a check messages and get dressed
9:50a walk out to Rathbone to meet the paintball club
10:15a leave for LVP South Paintball Park
10:45a arrive at LVP South
11:30a finish getting gear
12:00p start first game
4:30p finish last game
5:10p get back at Lehigh

That was pretty much my weekend. :/

Harvard was actually pretty nice - it's just that the people weren't so friendly. The excursion we did is called a "Flame" and the band usually goes up one day early to get to know another school's band. However, Harvard apparently didn't want to host us so we called on a few friends at Boston University a few minutes away. They hosted us which was really nice of them.

About twenty of us were stuffed into a living room, so a lot of people were sharing space. On the futon couches (they pulled out) there were at least two people (mine had three), a few slept on the floor, and a few curled up on recliner chairs. It was so funny. :)

Then when we finally got to Harvard, the parking attendants let the first few in but a new attendant-lady came. She told our car and the cars after mine (we were the fourth, I think) that we weren't on a bus so we weren't "official" so we didn't get any parking stalls. We had to pay $5 for parking. :/

Then on Sunday I went paintballing with the paintball club. I was the only girl in a group of guys. x) The first time I got shot it was in the neck. :/ Then I got shot like a second later in the chest. The third and fourth time was in the last game where I got shot in the head twice when I was peeking out from behind a bunker.

All in all it was a fun weekend. :)

~E

FML Take 2

Just got back from Physics recitation.

Got my scores back from my 4 o'clock.

Shoot me now.

~E

New Sign

When I was visiting a friend either in Dravo or M n' M, I saw a sign like this and thought to myself dang that's awesome. So I made one for myself. :3

The spaces are for me to put my magnets for the option.

~E

Another Reason why the '97 are Awesome

First off, I want to mention my physics lab. It's usually on Mondays from 7-10p but since there was Pacing Break, it was rescheduled. Some people had theirs cancelled but ours was supposed to be moved to Wednesday, last night. Well, I showed up with less than half the class and waited...and waited....when he didn't show up, we left. x) It was AWESOME~. I feel a little bad because no one in the class likes the professor. They call him Weenie because his name is Wie Nie or something similar. He's really nice, though and we all agree that we like him as our lab professor. "He's super chill," they say. :)

Now. On to another reason why the '97 are awesome.

Two words: midnight kickball.

So I'm not sure if I mentioned this here, but the band does a lot of bonding activities that are entirely optional. One of them is "midweeks", where on Tuesday night whoever wants to go meets at Campus Square and the uppers drive us all to a pre-determined place to eat, usually some sort of diner. The second is midnight kickball. It's held on Wednesdays near the STEPS building, yes, at midnight.

I went for the first time last night. It was sooooo cold. I was only breathing out and I could see my breath - very clearly. It was rather unnerving. We started out with only three people and determined that it would be very difficult to play kickball with three people on each team. So we decided to play soccer instead. Then a few others showed up and we played five-on-five. I was defense. :3 It felt nice to play soccer again and the others always cheered whenever I tackled somebody...it was kind of funny. Then I was asked to target somebody - if I could tackle him, I had to go for it. I didn't get the opportunity. :(

But by the end of the game (my team won, yay! :D ) I was sweating in my hoodie. So I took it off and walked back up to my dorm with only a long-sleeved shirt on. I could see the steam rising off the players who were doing the most running. It was weird and funny all in one. Didn't go to sleep until almost 2. I'm super tired but...meh. It was worth it. :)

~E

Pacing Break

I miss the peace and quiet of pacing break. Sure there wasn't much to do, but the hall was nice and quiet.

Now that everyone's back, the hall is awash with sound.

I forgot how loud girls could be.

Hmph.

~E

Dream On

Emery Room E315
9 October 2010
19:29:


"A dream can be the highest point of a life."
~Ben Okri

"The other night dear as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried."
~You Are my Sunshine by Johnny Cash

Last night I dreamt about my saxophone. As with many dreams, my surroundings were hazy but I had the impression that I was in a small room, like a music practice room. I was sitting down with my sax, setting up and inspecting my reed. Both in my dream and in real life I had managed to break it as I am required to FULLY set up my sax every time we practice and march even though I don't play - the reed got dry and probably broke sometime when I was moving.

In my dream,the instrument manager had replaced my reed and now I sucked on it while I pulled my neck strap over my head and hooked the bottom half of my sax to it so that it hung from my neck. I pulled on the neck and then twisted on the mouthpiece. Moving my reed in my mouth to make sure it was wet enough, I pulled out my lyre and music, attaching them and then looking through my choices. Not that I could really play any of it, but I figured I'd start relatively easy. I pulled my reed out of my mouth and attached it to the mouthpiece, adjusting my neck strap so that it was at a comfortable level with my lips.

Well, here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and blew. To my surprise, instead of a squeak, squeal, hissing, or no sound at all, a mellow sound - the sound of a correctly played alto sax - emerged from my instrument. I blinked and tried again, this time trying to play a note. I went for a G, because it seemed simple enough. To my utter shock, the same thing happened - I played a note without much difficulty.

I moved my fingers and tried for an A. The same thing. I moved my fingers to a low D. Not surprising I had more difficulty, but after only a low, raspy croak I got a D. I tried to play a scale from low C to high C and only got about four rasps or squeaks.

Yes, it was still difficult for me to play, but...I was playing. I remember being so happy in my dream.

And then I woke up and realized....it was just a dream. My reed was still broken and I still couldn't play.

Today was the Lehigh vs. Fordham game at Lehigh. Most of the band was gone for Pacing Break so there were about twenty of the almost-97 people in band there. I wasn't going to go originally, seeing as I can't play, but the guy in charge convinced me to come. All I did was get in free, get free food, and sit there. That's about it. I had to mime playing my sax for a while, but that's about all I did.

I don't think I've mentioned it here but I feel absolutely USELESS in band. All I'm doing right now is filling a hole in Rank 10. That's about it. I can't play for pep band or for the show. And it's not that I'm too proud to admit it, but I just don't LIKE to because it makes me feel more useless. I mean, I have music and I occasionally follow along but I can't play. Someone asks me why I'm not playing on the occasion they catch me with my sax down and I tell them I can't play. Then they look at me like 'uh...then why are you playing sax?'

If I think about it rationally, there are two ranks of alto sax. That means, if both are full, there are about sixteen sax players. I think there are two holes (so there's fourteen...about) so I REALLY don't have to worry about playing, but still. I mean, I watch Matt, Dan, Eamonn, and Alex play around me and I can't help but feel bad. I mean, I'm just marching or marking time or something. I hold a sax and pretend to play but I'm not - so I'm not contributing much to rank 10.

Eamonn, Hope, and Matt try to engage me a few times but they always forget I can't play (though I think Eamonn remembers more than Hope and Matt) and I have to tell them that no, I won't come that much closer because I don't want to be in the way - I can't play, you know. Or when Hope says, you don't have to stand that far away. I know you're not really playing, but you can come closer. And then Dan hears and looks at me and I feel SO BAD. :( And sometimes Matt thinks that I'm not playing because I don't have music and then I have to tell him that I'm not playing because I CAN'T, not because I don't have music.

Other than the immense and ridiculous amounts of guilt I feel whenever I set up my sax, I really like the Marching '97.

~E

Marching Band Festival

Once 4 o'clocks are over, I'll discuss this more, but here's a funny thing I should mention: the announcer kept calling us by different names:

-Lehigh University's Marching '97
-Lehigh Valley's Marching Band
-Lehigh Valley College Band
-Lehigh Valley College-University Marching Band '97

Lol.

Here's the link for the band show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fepb59Fin50

Keep an eye out for the L, the spinning star of death, and 'K Bai!' (and LEHIGH)

~E

C'est la guerre

It was cold this morning. I wore my Uggs and thick black coat Aunty Kehau bought for me. I was still cold and a seam in the boots gave me a blister on my ankle, but at least my feet were still warm.

I had my first 4 o'clock exam today. It was all right - easier than I expected and the first problem was my favorite - I love kinematics problems. This one was about Spiderman on the side of a building throwing a ball in the air.

After that I had my last evoLUtion seminar, which is required for freshmen. It was boring.

Then I had dinner and went to study. Tired. Hate calculus. Want to sleep but can't.

~E

FML

Tomorrow:
3 classes
start at 8a
physics midterm at 4

Thursday:
2 classes
start at 8:20a
calculus midterm at 4
marching band at 5

Physics: allowed to bring 1 page, 8.5'x11', single-sided, handwritten notes.

Calculus: no notes allowed

Physics: some understanding

Calculus: very little understanding

Physics: graded on a curve

Calculus: not

Physics: easy to recover

Calculus: exam is worth 100/500 points


I'm doomed. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. ;0;

~E